Forgive Me

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The skies have cleared and here i am standing still on barren ground.
every memory etched in my soul,
is like a fragile wound never to be probed again.
for once its split open,
it will bleed once again to all infinity.
so i will bury you deep in my heart.
i hope you have gone to a better place.

Left@| 2:16 PM

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Yang,
are you never coming back? why did did you have to go? don't you know the skies are crying for you and the sun will never shine in our hearts again until you awake. the thunder's not loud enough, the tears have not fallen enough and the heart just bleeds for you... you're lost soul is like a dagger pierced through my sanity, driving me to a state of derangement and delusion, pretending that you are still here with me, with us.
i'm so afraid... afraid to close my eyes and see you lying there before me in sheer agony. i'm so afraid to be alone, so please come back, come back to walk beside me like always whenever i am bleeding. like you'd always mend my wound and teach me to be strong. like you've always make me laugh. yet now you're the reason for my pain, please come back.
this is the second time my tears fall for you. if only the reasons were the same. it used to be tears moved by your sincerity. and yet now i'm mourning for you. i don't want to... yang please tell me its just a dream like the way you used to when i had nightmares. please help me wake up...because you will never be able to read this...
i know it will never happen, coz you're gonna be gone today.
Why did you go? where did you go? you must be so lonely right now. why couldn't you stay? what am i supposed to do with your bottle of countless cranes? its a stab in my soul each time i remember that midnight you waited downstairs for me or each time i hear you're favorite song.
i know i should let you go, but i cannot seem to forget you're lingering presence. times when i sat on your lap, times when you'd keep me company through long empty hours. you were my strength and my best friend in school in the forests of confusion and lonliness. help me move on because i know you'll always be there beside me to guide me. wipe my tears dry and mend my broken heart again. there'll never be anyone like you again. i want to stop crying, but i can't. you used to say that i am like a burning heat that keeps you warm whenever you're cold in lectures. but now, it feels like i'm frozen in time, shivering and numb from you're absence, so cold.... so lost without you...

Where'd you go?
i miss you so...
seems like its been forever
that you've been gone.
Please come back home...
Please....

or i'll bleed until all infinity

Left@| 12:03 PM

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Today...
today after 2 years i took every ounce of courage i've ever owned
i fought every obstacle in my heart to bring out artifects from a distant memory.
dreams from another forgotten dimension and a world of so much emotions and tears.
as i opened those letters with trembling hands,
as i read the familiar handwriting and words that still never failed to touch my soul,
i felt a perculiar tug of my heart.

After all these years, i've grown and left you behind.
yet at this very point of time, my mind is empty but my heart was bleeding once again.
it felt familiar and disturbing to be able to feel this hurt yet not being able to remember the hurt that occured 2 whole years ago.
i realised i've changed. so much after he's gone.
i know reminsing wouldnt bring back the person who's changed. he's dead and never coming back. but realising every thank you, every memory written down by the hands of my first love made me feel like i've changed so much too.

Changed...
my heart hardened to stone and would not feel the slightest sympathy nor be touched.
my soul, pinned to the grounds of frozen ice, never being able to fly again.
and tears, long gone of passion and emotions.
yet with a simple script, i felt my soul take flight to the heavens and yet sunk deep down into the oceans at the same time.
how could this be possible. its been 2 years and i feel nothing when i see him because i no longer know him.

although i try and try.
opening my heart to another yet another.
yet each letting me down with disappointment.
nobody really understands the little dreamer girl within me.
i feel and know that i will never love anyone the way i loved him.
and diary, i've tried with all my soul because i want to believe that there is another angel out there waiting to protect me and love me.
yet nothing can no longer surprise me or touch me.

This first love, so strong, so simple and true.
Is it a gift or a curse because nothing will ever be able to compare with it ever again.
He's given me the gift of strength. of individuality and independance.
he's given me the gift of words, emotions and songs that would compose when i feel helpless and torn.
But he's given me a curse of an everlasting beautiful memory as i have always feared beautiful dreams because they are untrue.
yet i thank you still even you're not here with me....

this is the 103rd post on this blog ever since i created it for us.
though now its just for me.
looking around my complicated life i feel ashamed
ashamed of all the senselessness and complexity of all my relationships.
i no longer want to hope nor think so much.
because love should be simple and inexplicable.

Left@| 11:10 AM

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Standing here in disarray. A calm serenity.
The winds of change can devastate.
And it took this much for me.
With nowhere to run and no reason left to hide.
Gonna hold on.
All the walls around are broken down
Now I can hear the rising sun.
Surrounded by everything I want
But nothing that I need
I was blinded by the absurdity
Losing all identity
Sometimes what you fear the most is what you need
To find that road
Right around that curve a lesson learned
Now that I have the eyes to see
A hurricane, a hurricane
Is sometimes the only way to wash away the pain
A hurricane, a hurricane
Is sometimes the only thing that brings you back again
With poison toys I'd isolate
But the wind was strong and true
But now I see where the treause is
'Cause they only blocked my view
I'm spiraling down but so oblivious
Got to find my way home
There's a heart that bleeds trapped in me
But how do I break this shell of stone

Left@| 2:47 PM

Friday, November 18, 2005

it hurts when he knows.
when i try to conceal in indignition.
it burns me from the inside out.
when he yearns to learn the truth.
tell me what to do.
he feels so close yet so far apart.
i felt so close to him yet again i feel we're drawing apart from the privacy of my life.
with all these thoughts that swirl in confusion

yes...
all i want to do is immerse myself in an endless pile of work
until i fall from exhaustion and rise from my arrogance and triumph.
until i become an unfeeling sculpture of stone once again.
why cant everything just have its own place?
why do you yearn to know?
does it hurt you at all?
i'm in control of myself.
sometimes i wish he could be more unthoughtful

decisions?
its not a current issue now.
i just hate his advices at times.

i feel somethings are changing now.
maybe i shouldnt have known about his deepest secrets.
then maybe i could remain as a beautiful reminiscence
you'd stand by me.
for all eternity....

from the times you've whispered me to sleep
till the time you warmed my hands in yours today.
thank you...

maybe i should respect you n move on.

~*stay by my side always*~

Left@| 3:01 PM